Ramblings of a rolling stone...

I am going to change, instead of waiting until the new year I shall make some resolutions to myself now... I need to get out of this chamber I have locked myself in, it is dark, harrowing and lonely. I am lonely. There I said it. I have admitted how I really feel, wasn't so hard was it. I find it is always easier to write down my thoughts then express them through speech. In speech there are too many ways where you can fuck up and miss-word things, in writing you have the time to think about what you want to say, word it perfectly and say what you want without interruption from others. This is why snail mail is my communication of choice, not because I think I am being eclectic embracing elements of the past and rejecting the future but simply because it is easier to write.

"I wish it was the sixties, I wish we could be happy, I wish, I wish that something would happen... my baby's got the bends, we don't have any real friends..."

Oh just how true you are Thom...

I have recently begun writing a story, this story shall be everything of my wildest thoughts. I believe that far too many books get published with the most drab, mundane content. I think chick-lits fall into this category, now most prominent throughout Irish writers. All these books have basically the same story, the characters are usually all just variants of the same thing, my book shall be so twisted that there will be hardly any reality present. This may be the key to getting out of this place, seeing the light and expressing some joy and hope in my writing. As you have problem guessed from reading my poems I am more of a pessimist, I would love to discard my Plath like qualities and mold more into a Wordsworth, seeing beauty in every single thing. I doubt that this can happen though, though I think my muse may have entered my life, if so my creativeness shall be like a flowing spring, constant, never ending and pure,

"Do you cry out in your sleep,

All my failings exposed, get a taste in mouth,

As desperation takes hold, Why is it something so good,

Just can't function no more?"

I have no idea Ian my dear, I wish you had some answers for me...

When you are falling for someone it is very hard isn't it? Especially when you know they don't feel the same. You want to shake yourself, get these feelings to dissolve like sugar in water... all the sweetness gone, becoming something neutral. I fall too easily all the time. I am falling all the time. Fall, fall, fall...

I have entered the Autumn of my life,

The colour became that of fire and everything began to decay,

Soon there will be no darkness or strife,

When Winter comes I shall have to go away...

Though I do not want to leave you,

My handsome, charming Dear,

There is simply nothing I can do,

Only clutch to the branches of fear...

I shall miss you,

That does not need to be said,

When the new year comes about that is my cue,

I shall miss our talks, our antics in bed...

Always know that you will be in my head,

Even when I am gone,

Stone cold dead,

Sorry for this life that I lead...

I embroiled you in it,

I'm sorry for that,

Grasping for things that I shall always lack,

Now run away and don't look back...

So I have now transitioned into a rolling stone, constantly moving, never stagnant, I wonder where this new journey shall take me? Into your arms or to far distant lands?

Musings of a modern poet... chapter seven

Transition...

This will be my final post as a modern poet, for now anyway. I don't think the term 'modern' was appropriate really as I am far from modern. I devote my life to the past in my study and my thoughts, my heart belongs in the 1960's and my sense of how people should respect each other is held in the 1920's - where men were chivalrous, ladies were elegant and there was no such thing as a scumbag.

Tomorrow my blog posts will take on a new journey, that of self progression. This week has been my self discovery week, finding out who I am and what not. I don't think I have truly discovered yet but I still want to move on to the next stage. I am sick and tired of holding back, I wish I could just ask people the things I want to ask them, though the rejection would be harrowing I would have at least an idea of what direction things are going in. Part of me feels lost, I know what I want but achieving it is hard. I had this debate with someone tonight whether or not you can change the way people feel, I would be against this motion. I have tried countless times to change someones mind about me and the way things could be, they are simply not interested. I can never change this persons mind to favour me, therefore I think I am right about this particular debate, though who knows, that is a tragedy about humans, the uncertainty resounding from every note.

I could not think of my own poem today so I took a piece from my new book...

The Return

- Robert W. Service

They turned him loose; he bowed his head,

A felon, bent and grey.

His face was even as the Dead,

He had no word to say.

He sought the home of his old love,

To look on her once more;

And where her roses breathed above,

He cowered beside the door.

She sat there in the shining room;

Her hair was silver grey.

He stared and stared from out the gloom;

He turned to go away.

Her roses rustled overhead.

She saw, with sudden start.

"I knew you would come," she said,

And held him to her heart.

Her face was rapt and angel-sweet;

She touched his hair of grey;

But he, sob-shaken, at her feet,

Could only pray and pray.

Perhaps one day you will come find me, though I doubt it considering that if you don't want me in what is supposed to be my prime, why would you want me withered and grey haired, too old for adventures and exciting things. I'll always have that hope though, that you will come and I can be whole again. I am nothing without that missing piece, that one special person who understands you more then you understand yourself, a soul mate of sorts. There are some who could perhaps take over where you left but I don't think they would want to either. It's the loneliness that is crippling really... I miss you always being there.

Songs I have listened to lately -

• 
  
  "High and Dry" - Radiohead


• 
  
  "The Blowers Daughter" - Damien Rice


• 
  
  "It's Been Awhile" - Staind


• 
  
  "Fools Gold" - The Stone Roses


• 
  
  "Sabotage" - Cancer Bats

Now I am exhausted and I feel as though I have nothing more profound to say, I have a billion words and thoughts inside my head but I don't want to write them on a public sphere. I would love to have someone to share all my secrets and hidden desires, wherever you are, hurry up and get here, I miss you already.

Slán agus thank you for reading...

Musings of a modern poet... chapter six

I didn't write a blog yesterday... perhaps I should write two today to make up for it, a morning edition and an evening edition. I shall write another before I go to sleep I think, that is always the time when my thoughts are wide awake wanting to be acknowledged.

Last night I realised what a true friend is and it is not what I witnessed last night. Now I am going to give the silent treatment, no contact, I just could not be arsed with people who are two-faced, it is the worst trait anyone could have. Coming to the realisation that the relationships I had were fake has spurred me further to want to go on an adventure.

I am thinking of just jetting off, working as I go, writing every thought, recording every memory. Living a dream everyday instead of living a life which wasn't created for me. I am part of a generation who are being choked by a recession, all hope is gone, a replica of the early 90's, a generation left behind or jilted so the blog says. Jilted Generation X indeed. What do we have to look forward to? Daytime television, dole ques, discount stores? Oh what a life we lead.

Recently I have found someone who brings out the best in me I feel. This friend of mine should know who they are and if they don't well then I obviously haven't told them enough. I have five very close friends from around the globe, all whom I treasure more then anything. What these friendships have taught me is that international borders are not restraints, people are never more then a plane journey away. If I could meet these special people then life would be complete, their friendship has shown me just how fake things were here, friendships are about learning, life and laughter, not who can get pissed the most and have the best stories the next day... Wow, I really am too old for my age! Says the girl nursing a hangover, wearing an old band hoodie and feeding the cat being the most productive thing done since she woke up. Oh dear, blame the recession...

I am on the cusp of an adventure, standing on the edge looking down from the clouds, wind, an accelerator, pushing me further into the depths of excitement and delight.

Your voice, so sweet, like a chorus of angels, whispering gems to me, nothing is wrong when your near, no crying unless they are tears of diamonds. Feed me the drippings of your soul, touch me, kiss me, make us whole.

You have become my silver lining, my own personal protector, now what would life be without you, lonely, un-poetic, nothing useful, creative, constructive to do.

Things to do in future -

• 
  
  Never drink alcohol again


• 
  
  Be more impulsive


• 
  
  Tell you how I really feel before it's too late

Slán agus thank you for reading...

Musings of a modern poet...chapter five

Yesterday was Tuesday, one of my working days. I finally finished a drawing which I had been working on for a couple of days, the sense of accomplishment was great! Then a proceeded to try once again to apply for teacher training in England. Why does it have to be so complicated? If I'm honest I don't really want to go to England, if I really had to leave Ireland I would rather go somewhere much warmer where I could lie on a beach all day and write novels whilst having multiple vodkas and oranges... see this is the idealist coming out in me! The realist, however, says 'get back to work and stop writing your blog whilst at college'... idealist wins in this situation.

The human imagination is a very impressive thing. Reading articles for college I have come across some great debates and theories on the whole world structure and if anything is real at all. According to Jacques Derrida - "Everything is a metal construction, a grey area". If this is true then why don't I live in a happy world where everyday is summer and it rains lollipops eh Jacques? But I can see why some people will think that. Coming back to an earlier statement in a blog where I wrote "Everything is lies", I have had it backed up by Michel Foucault a prominent post-modernist - "How can history have a truth when there is a history of truth? There is no such thing as truth, only regimes of truth". I guess I am a post-modernist then, don't say much, deconstruct other peoples work and find new meaning. Yes... a post-modernist with a Utopian imagination, yet at the same time a bit of a realist, seeing the world for what it really is. I guess my theory is one of taking things as you find them, my lens of the world is not rose tinted by any means and of course I feel too much empathy for certain situations. However, I am not a moron, I know most people have hidden agendas, self-interesting actors with only themselves in mind... Oh International Relations how you have improved my mind!

I feel a bit more optimistic about things in general today, though if I could just stop procrastinating that would be fantastic! It's all well and good knowing things but if you don't demonstrate what you know you will get no where in life, you shall simply be a by stander of society.

I woke up this morning, as a new beginning was dawning, all the mist and fog had been swept away, the dark clouds were gone, birds were in song and this was the rest of my day...

I danced out the door, could wait no more to view the transcendent colours that stood before me, I read some books, search crannies and nooks, the world was filled with the magic three.

I played some games, I searched for names from my Isle to places unknown, I laughed and smiled as I knew all the while that a new heart I had sewn.

The stars shone bright, the light of the night, twinkling like magic winks in the sky, no evil was found, no corruption, no sound, no single trace of a lie.

I enjoyed my time, in the meadows of my mind, my prairies so lush and in bloom, no fear I felt, no sadness for this Celt, no harrowing sense of doom.

The water was clear, the ice was diamonds, the sky was blue, the sun was golden, it was all so perfect, this Utopian paradise, too perfect to be true.

Then the alarm went off, as I woke up, my world was a beautiful dream dream... there no more that I could do. I had arrived back to the land of harsh reality, but all was not lost and I knew after dusk that to this Utopian dream, I would once more be given the key.

Yes feel my optimism flowing through every pore... until tomorrow anyway.

Things to do -

• 
  
  Enjoy this feeling


• 
  
  Learn something new


• 
  
  Meet someone new

Slán agus thank you for reading.

Musings of a modern poet...chapter four

Yesterday, what a day. After constructing myself in a positive, creative way all day I ended up making a moron of myself before I went to sleep. Once again this proves to me that being honest with people is the worst thing you can ever do. People are much happier to listen to pretence and live in some Disney created scene all their lives. The real world isn't like that no matter how much we try and divert ourselves from it. All you have to do is look at the news every evening to see that there is no gospel or good news. There would be nothing to report if it was not bad, the media would have nothing to hype up, who wants to listen to good news? Apparently not the human race.

There appears to be a mentality that living fast and dying young is a way to be remembered and achieve icon status. All of my heroes are dead bar Corey Taylor and even at that he is turning into something which I don't really admire - pink shirts and a shaved head? Fair enough he is maturing but can I really be expected to believe that this is the same guy who screamed 'People = shit'? Oh please... But there is Kurt Cobain, Ian Curtis and Sid Vicious, all lived fast and died young. All of them also having an undiagnosed life of depression of course. I believe that everyone has a time to go and when it comes then it must be excepted. Of course it is sad and devastating but that's what life is about isn't it? The passionate, romantic image of turmoil, pain with a little sprinkle of sunshine. If you find your sunshine that is. Some people's sunshine is drugs, others drink, others music, my personal favourite is love and relationships, being with another person and sharing your life with them. However, you need someone to understand you for it to work out well and then there is the problem that people will run away before they tell you how they really feel about you. I hate that. I do it myself, I say something, the other person doesn't hear me and I say 'never mind' or 'it doesn't matter' but it DOES. I want to say it but rejection is terrible. I would rather eat my own eyes with a spoon.

Everything I saw was gold,

Your stories untold, your treasured hold, it all shimmered in the radiant sun. But now you are gone, the relationship ended, the loving done.

It has turned to rust, dirty brown rust, all hopes and dreams dissolved to dust, no beauty now in which I can trust. I was addicted to your sugary smile, your flaws and defects all placed in denial.

Fools gold, perhaps that's what it was, I imagined your Midas touch, always imagining, imagination being better with reality, though I savoured it too much.

Now the rust has infiltrated every spore, the way you felt, you feel no more, everything withered, disheveled and dead, though spring in still in bloom inside my head.

Then it hits me, I'm in Heaven, fifteen, ecstatic but dead.

So, there is another 'poem' written in the spur of the moment. I wish I could be more organised and go and sit down and write something correctly structured and everything but flaws are always nice I think, they make it more unique. Flaws seem to be the things in which people love in other people the most. Uniqueness, if everyone was perfect what would be the fun in that?

Things I learnt today - don't be honest with someone about how you really feel unless it is unavoidable. They will more then likely run away even though they say they are not, you will notice a distance shortly after your revelation.

Things I need to do -

• Keep my thoughts to myself, hard when writing a blog but I shall try my best!
• Look forward to Thursday
• Get over tomorrow

Slán agus thank you for reading.

P.S. I have a secret for you.

Musings of a modern poet...chapter three

So yesterday, Sunday, day of rest - not at all. To tell the truth being at work wasn't the worst part of my day it was the feelings that followed that were most relevant and painful.

From a young age I learnt that you can depend on no one but yourself, almost everyone is untrustworthy, consumed with jealousy and that they would rather see you fail then succeed. This is why I prefer to be alone, I can be my own critic and hate basher without someone else getting in on the game. Last night I was ready to pack my bags, drive to the airport and get a flight to anywhere in the world that I could afford. Feel so restricted in this country and this recession, it's like it is choking me. I studied for three years for a degree to not be able to get a job out of it? Great life. If the world really does end in 2012 I'll have achieved nothing.

When you have loved someone unconditionally for a time you expect them to never hurt you, you let down your barriers as you are lured into a false sense of security. I wish I hadn't done this. Oh what I would do for a time machine to go and reverse all that I have done within the last two years...

Everything is lies

Nothing is real, now a desected human being, nothing more to feel. Numb, I can't speak, realisation is hard, knowing that everything I worked for is gone.

Feelings, I can't see them, therefore I don't believe, Utopian dreams all dissolve away with the knowledge that everything is lies, when the loving is done you become someone I despise. Love, a word with no meaning.

Could you love the most evil person in the world? If they never told you who they were, if there were no stories told?

Words are deceiving and 'love' is a word. A mere word that I won't trust again. Love luring you in to a wild, unsafe eden.

Don't say three little words to wash the pain away, it's embedded in my heart and eternally it shall stay.

Say something better like - "I'm here if you need to talk". This would have perhaps stopped me, but away I did walk.

I was so down last night. I came to the decision to stop my idealist thoughts and keep things strictly as they should be. No more smiling about things that can't be achieved and living off teenage like dreams.

Goals for today -

• 
  
  Write some letters to send out in Decemeber


• 
  
  See if certain people are okay


• 
  
  Stop feeling so shit

Slán agus go neirí leat

Musings of a modern poet...chapter two

So I keeping my promise to myself to write on this everyday. I always have so many ideas but not the energy or motivation to exhert them so I am definitely keeping to this one...

So yesterday, not a very eventful day really, woke up far too early having only gotten to sleep at 4 am the night/morning before hand, thanks to Skype and my company on it, so thank you for that. Skype seems to be an extraordinary thing to be able to converse with someone miles away, see and hear them even though you are a sea apart, very cool.

Yesterday I felt I had to do something to my room, it is far too cluttered, part of my creativity I guess but it was seriously bothering me, therefore I took out the black bags and set to work. I have an awful lot of stuff! Most of it paper due to going on four years of college and a year a solid snailing mailing all wonderous people from around the globe. I now have a different drawer for each category of letters, quite sad really but they are very special to me, little pieces of history littering my room. Also yesterday I had the time to listen to some music, somthing which I had seriously been neglecting. Funny how some songs remind you of people you don't even want to think about and memories you want to forget but you listen to them anyway...

Yesterday was very uneventful, if I was living everyday as if it was my last and that was my last then it would have been very disappointed. Too exhausted to do anything worthwhile and too much procrastinating to get anything spectacular done.

As for my poetry, I write them all on the spur of a moment, something I always do not being the most organised person in the world. I think my thoughts flow better that way ~

Hello again... your haunting me, even though you're not here, I haven't seen you for a long time, I'm missing you, My dear,

Notice the word 'My' here, you shall always be mine, I don't care who your with right now or the flowing passing of time,

I shall always have you here, haunting me, like a persist ghost, the only bit of you I will now ever see, in photographs and old school books, some teenage memory.

It's funny, how I hurt myself on purpose, just for you, not physically but mentally, so much easier to do.

My heart throbs and my veins feel like they are bursting, a rush of blood too much, the memories with you, ones to which I will always clutch.

Fifteen forever, two years too far, three years spent together... It never was quite perfect, but the defects made it better.

Not that you care now, you're much more happier than before. Time for me to do the hardest thing, cut off my feelings, close the door.

Not very happy with that one but part of being a poet I guess, never finding perfection in you work, it shall always remain incomplete.

Things I learnt yesterday - the most important people in your life don't have to be the ones you see everyday, when people are gone they are never coming back, people you've never met can have a profound effect on your life.

Things I decided yesterday that I need to do ~

• 
  
  Keep things in perspective


• 
  
  See my friends more


• 
  
  Stop the Utopian thoughts which enter my mind on various occassions, these things are unrealistic and shall never materialise.

That is all, slán agus go neirí leat.